Mommyhood Is Hard (And Other Obvious Thoughts)

I am spent. Motherhood is exhausting. The yelling, the whining, the needing, the complaining. And there's the kids behavior. This season of life is exhausting. I want so badly to be patient, thoughtful, intentional, kind, always building up. But my bucket of energy to pull from seems to have a leak (or maybe somebody cut the whole bottom of it out – I’m not so sure). It is beyond clear to me on days like this that I am just so imperfect. I long to be something that I can only scratch the surface of - even on my best day.

At church we sing the song “I Need You”. It’s lyrics ring so true in my heart 

“I need you, oh, I need you, every hour I need you, my one defense, my righteousness, oh God how I need you” 

I feel that day in and day out. I need Christ to redeem my heart. I need Him to fix that energy bucket & then I also need Him to fill it. I need His grace to cover my heart and I need it to cover my kids’ hearts too (and likely my husband’s while we’re at it because let’s be honest, this season is no treat to a marriage). 

“Teach my song to rise to you, when temptation comes my way. And when I cannot stand, I’ll fall on you. Jesus, you’re my hope & stay”

I need to remember that I can depend on Him. I need to call on Him when I’m weak & weary (& ready to scream “for the love of all that is good & holy, please stop jumping from couch to couch & get in your seat & eat your dinner!”). I need to remember that He paid it all there on the cross. I can stop striving, apologize when I’m imperfect, turn my eyes to His, and rest in forgiveness. I need to allow Him to fill me with hope. I need to remember that He is my anchor & He’ll never let me drift too far. My neediness of Him makes their neediness of me seem so small.

So today I remind my tired, sinful, frustrated heart of His promises. And tomorrow I will wake up again (before the sun) to fill my heart with His truth (& my cup with a whole lot of coffee) (because sometimes the Lord fills our energy buckets by way of coffee, Amen?!). I’ll thank God for all of His graces to me in this season – a loving husband, great girlfriends, sweet kid moments catching me by surprise, supportive family, church services that turn my eyes to Jesus, and of course coffee. I’ll keep trusting that somehow in all of this God is growing me & that I’ll be a little stronger, wiser, more patient, and closer to Jesus because of it. And I’ll keep pressing on, celebrating the victories, grieving the losses, finding joy where I can, forgiving myself when I fail, and allowing Christ to fill in the gaps.